Discover Powerful Strategies to Overcome Anxiety | Mindshift for You

Key Takeaways

heather is held back at work because what happens is when she has to have a really difficult conversation when there's something that she wants to talk to her boss about when there's a conflict with one of her colleagues you ever have a conflict with your colleagues at work ever feel like you work in a toxic work environment well this is something that you need to understand sometimes the toxicity in your work environment is about the other people and sometimes the toxicity in your work environment or in your life environment or your friend environment is about stored memories in your body from your childhood i know it's crazy stuff because the saying feel the fear and do it anyway it's true because your body feels situations that put you in a state of being afraid before your mind catches up and starts thinking about what you're afraid of and so one of the key takeaways from take control and one of the things that i want to teach you today is that if you start to tune into your body and you start to notice the signals that your body is sending to you in your day-to-day life signals like butterflies in your stomach signals like feeling a rush of energy up to your neck signals like your armpit sweating signals like your hands getting sweaty signals that your body is stepping and noticing a situation that reminds it of your past learning how to read those signals that oh my god here goes my body my body is starting to recognize that this is a situation that puts me on edge recognizing those signals first and slowing the body response down before your brain starts to go oh my god that is a critical skill in taking control of your life stop thinking that you should be fearless if you go through life fearless that means you are playing small and not doing anything that is worth doing you should be dreaming big you should be pushing boundaries and in that push comes fear instead of trying to be fearless adopt a mindset that you want to feel the fear and do it anyway otherwise you will never take on big projects and you'll never accomplish your mission and you'll always live below the potential that you know you're capable of so just came back from speaking in phoenix with with dean graziosi brendan burchard eric thomas 1500 people amazing session my greatest fear is disappointing people my greatest fear is i'm going to get on stage and bomb and disappoint the people who are paying money to be there as an expensive ticket to get in and also i'm going to disappoint dean graziosi and brendan burchard and people who brought me here to speak right it's their event and i have to be the last speaker on the last day to come in and and give them a good performance right i don't want to let them down we've never worked together before these are the thoughts that are going through my head and so i'm backstage and actually the first day i get there i'm i've got the next day right i've got my whole day ahead of me and i'm going to speak the next day and then i get a call so i'm in my hotel room and i'm practicing i get a call and said hey evan can you come down right now we might want to have you speak right now let's figure it out and in my head's like right now i thought i was going on tomorrow i was in the middle of practice saying i haven't even gone through the second half of my my speech but the default reaction is yep i'm on my way and i run downstairs to get to the event they end up saying it's okay we want you back on tomorrow usual time perfect no problem so now i got the whole night to prepare again i wake up the next morning i'm preparing in the morning and then i'm getting down down to the stage and initially i'm supposed to go on at 9am and then that then it got switched to 10 am then that got switched to 11am and then they want to take off 10 minutes of my time because we're a little bit behind from 15 minutes into 60 minutes and then changing my deck changing the slide that i have and then i'm sitting backstage and i'm waiting to come on and it feels like the mc's he's building me up and he's taking lots of time to introduce me like just bring me on right and every time i'm sitting there worried stressed out afraid saying that it's hard this is difficult i'm afraid my heart's beating out of my chest because i'm still thinking i don't want to go up there and disappoint people but instead of being fearless it's like no i'm afraid and this is the best because everything i want is on the other side of this sphere and i'm going to go off and i'm going to do the best that i have and every new thing that comes at me they kept saying man you're so easy to work with you're so easy going yep meanwhile like i'm panicking you're freaking out inside and it's not it's not about putting on a show it's not about showing people that i'm i'm afraid it's about me telling myself that i do difficult things some people say when you are nervous tell yourself that you're excited because it's the same feeling inside you that when you're about to go on stage or have a big call or do something that you're afraid to do you're nervous tell yourself you're excited i don't want that i tell myself i'm nervous and i do things that make me nervous i love that i do things that make me nervous i build my self-esteem and self-respect and sell pride from jumping in on the things that make me nervous you want to do things that make you nervous and so i got on stage and and did a pretty good job we had a little miscommunication on the ending and uh flubbed it a little bit but i get backstage and brendon burchard's running back like oh my god you crushed it so much energy i love that guy and now i'm on to the next thing and if there's nothing in my calendar ahead that is scary difficult hard that makes me feel afraid then i'm not growing and you're not growing too so i've got a three-step process that i'm going to walk you through that can help you step into your fears that i think will help step number one is understand what is your big mission what are you trying to accomplish what is the big mission that you're on i want to solve the world's biggest problem i want to spread more belief i think the world's biggest problem is there aren't enough people who believe in themselves and their michael jordan level talent that's what i'm helping every single dude every single do every single day for the rest of my life that is my mission what is your big mission what is the thing that you're afraid of doing what is that giant thing right now me stepping on stage at brendan and dean's event make sense because i'm trying to spread my mission what is your big mission number two is what's the next step that you're afraid to take if you want to go off and have a big impact change a lot of lives you're gonna have to do things you've never done before because the way you're doing it now the growth that you're on now is not fast enough you're not going to hit your target it's not going to happen it's going to require a bolder more confident more courageous version of you and how do you get that by stepping into the light by stepping into your nerves by stepping into your fears that's how you grow that's how you emerge stronger so what's the next step for you your big mission just came up with it step number one what's your big mission great what is the next step that you must take to move that mission forward that you are afraid of and then step number three is commit to doing it right now commit to doing it right now you are not allowed anymore to think of something that's big that's exciting that it that is game changing for you that gets you pumped up ready to go you're not allowed to think of that and then be afraid and then not do something you need to stop teaching yourself that that you come up with ideas then you get afraid and then you don't have momentum and you play small you need to break that cycle so we've just gone through it you came up with your big mission you came with what the next step is now you need to commit to doing it commit to someone else that you're gonna do it make a video talking about it send that email you need to send out text the person that you need to text post it to your facebook or instagram tell people that you're gonna do this thing commit while you're feeling it right now and then you feel your heart beating boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you're scared you're gonna wake up tomorrow's like holy cow what did i just commit they're doing you're committed to doing the thing that you're a badass at because you're chasing down a dream because you have a big vision because you don't want to play small for the rest of your life because you're ready for this that's why you committed now let's go also to make sure you're actually taking action after watching this video i've designed a special free worksheet just for this video the worksheet will highlight all the lessons learned in this video as well as pull out our three favorite learnings and quotes that will inspire you to actually do something the worksheet will also give you space to write down what your key takeaways are and your specific plan of action to make sure you're getting results if you want the worksheet designed specifically for this video absolutely for free there's a link in the description below go click on it and start building the momentum in your life and your business i'll see you there there is no fast track to transformation you have to work on it in little ways every day you can't buy self-esteem or self-love you must build it you must stand face to face with the part of you that you hate you must forgive yourself for the hurt that you've caused especially the hurt you've caused yourself and then you got to do the work to become a better you it's the only way to create the self-respect and build the self-esteem that you want you can change there are do-overs in life because you get one every single morning when you wake up look in the mirror and decide who you're going to be today you can choose you can change no you can't go back in time but you can have your own back as you use the time that you have now to take control and create a new chapter that makes you proud of who you are the hardest part of all this is flipping your focus from what you hate and are trying to fix toward what you want to create remember the windshield in a car is bigger than the rear view mirror for good reason you're not supposed to go backwards you're supposed to drive your life forward and that means you must start looking ahead yeah you've screwed up me too the worst things that you've done witnessed or survived they are your most powerful teachers so stop making yourself wrong about what happened and unpack it understand it face yourself in the mirror and learn the lessons that are woven into every mistake every regret you ever have and every painful thing you've ever experienced here's the profound insight i gained that i want you to hear you aren't broken you're just blocked forgive yourself for all the things you did while you were just trying to survive your mind collects mental lint that's right that's all that doubt is that's all that fear is that's all that anxiety is that's all that worry is it's all the people pleasing is this is lint from life that is collected in your brain and you know what lint stands for something get your pencils ready you lose inspiration due to negative thoughts that's all that's happening you're not broken you're just blocked the filter in your mind is blocked just like a dryer filter gets blocked by lint and you can't think this stuff away you got to take action and the single most effective tool on the planet hands down to wipe away the lint in your mind to wipe away the doubt to wipe away the fear to wipe away the anxiety is the five second rule i'm dead serious about this when you feel the fear rise up when you feel the self-doubt start to block when you feel the anxiety start to take over when you feel like you're losing the inspiration to move you're just gonna count backwards five four three two one i know it sounds dumb but trust me on this one counting backwards five four three two one wipes the lint off the filter in your brain that lint that makes you lose your inspiration to act due to negative thoughts and once you get to one it's clear so your confidence and your courage can flow right through you this one is like really important you need to do the work okay you gotta do the work because it's only through your actions that you will accomplish what you want let's say uh that you've always wanted to climb a particular mountain okay there's a mountain called haystack it's not even that tall so i should probably pick a bigger one but let's just call it haystack mountain you've always wanted to climb haystack mountain you pull up to haystack mountain and you get out of the car you park at the you know national forest parking lot and you make the mistake of looking up at the mountain which is the end goal right and you notice it's up in the clouds and then you start to think oh my god that's a really far way away you know i don't really know how i feel about doing this anymore because that looks like it's going to take a really long time and then all of a sudden it starts to rain and you go i don't think i want to do this because i don't think i feel like doing this and next thing you know you are back in the car driving back down the road to that little diner that you saw and instead of climbing the mountain that you've always dreamt of climbing you've now come up with an excuse and you have abandoned ship you now have literally become your own obstacle you talked yourself out of it you started to doubt yourself you told yourself you weren't ready and that you didn't feel like it you pull the rip cord you're out of there in order to have what you want in life you must stop staring at the top of that mountain you must stop creating excuses for why you can't or don't feel like it and you must put your head down and look at the first step in front of you and then you must take the action and start walking toward what you want and it'll be a hell of a lot easier for you to do that if you have also been putting in the time every day consistently to not only see yourself walking up that trail step by step but that you have felt yourself pushing through the resistance the fear the obstacles the the excuses that are stopping you now and feel proud in every fiber of your being as you push through those obstacles and see yourself and feel yourself doing the work that's how you manifest properly and if you do that before you pull into the national park parking lot if you look up at that mountain and you see clouds and it starts raining it won't matter because you've already rehearsed this moment in your mind body and spirit and you my friend will start walking up that trail and you're going to be proud that's how you use manifesting to get what you want that's how you leverage all the science and research to train and prepare your mind body and spirit to help you get what you want and that's how you hack the motivation and inspiration that you need to take the actions that get you everything that you want and deserve in life the dallas uber driver oh so as somebody who has gotten into countless ubers and some small percentage of them know who i am and then of course they start asking questions talk to me about chasing your dreams and this quote that you have that an aha moment does not necessarily lead to an aha life um yeah the uber driver in dallas that's in this book um i get choked up when i think about him uh an aha moment choked up i get choked up because what happens for me every single day is and you hear from people every single day you've got millions and millions of people that are inspired by empowered by impacted by your content there are people out there that use your work as a lifeline and it is humbling and what i am really present to in the work that i'm putting out in the stuff that i'm sharing whether it's my failures or the things that i'm using that are helping me and my own struggles is just how much people are holding themselves back and how much pain people feel because most folks know what they dream about and what they want and yet they're spending all of their time and energy arguing against what they want and so you can have all these epiphanies i hope that when somebody listens to our conversation and watches this that they have a massive aha moment but it's not going to mean if you don't take action and do something about it the aha moment is the door that opens but your new life does not begin unless you step through the door and most people and that's what was so kind of you know the simple idea of high-fiving yourself of encouraging yourself of supporting yourself most people when you have an aha moment and the door to your new life opens up instead of going i got this let's go and high-fiving yourself to step forward most of us go i don't know if i'm worth that i don't know if right now is the right time to do this i don't think i'm good enough i failed so many times i can't go through that door and that's the problem i want to attack right now that there is somewhere in your life that you know what you want you can feel it pulling you and you are actively arguing against it you're bringing yourself down you're beating yourself out like people will cheer for you and me they won't cheer for themselves i'm the same way and so this uber driver the story that you're talking about i get into the car and we start driving and i'm on the phone as we're driving and i'm having a conversation with somebody about this daytime talk show that i launched which was a dream with sony pictures television and then uh was promptly fired after season one it was a huge failure because we didn't make it to season two huge failure in real world terms massive success when it comes to the timeline of my life and so i'm talking to this person about the talk show i hang up the phone and this uber driver comes alive he's like oh my gosh i can't believe you're in my cab and i'm like why and he says because i want to talk to you about something i think you can help me and i'm like great how can i help you and he says i have a dream of being a oscar-winning actor and creating opportunities for other black and latino men to do the same in acting and i'm like freaking fantastic what the [ __ ] are you doing in dallas right yeah the guy's 25 and so i i go you know the game is in new york in la i mean sure you can act you can write stuff you can be here in dallas but why are you not in la why are you not in new york and he's like you're right you're right you're right i need to move to la like why not and he says i have 700 in my bank account i'm like that's freaking fantastic you have seven hundred dollars in a car dude drop me off and get driving what are you waiting for and so we have this whole conversation and i write about it in this book where i am actively arguing for his dream and he is actively arguing against his dream and what is so sad is throughout this conversation tom he's like you're right 700 could get me there you're right i am only 25. you're right if i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking about what i want to be doing i'm not only going to drive in circles my whole life is going to spin in circles as i think about what i want and i don't do [ __ ] about it and then you are going to find yourself not at 25 but at 45 or 65 and you're going to be so filled with regret that you never put a put a bet on yourself and so this conversation ends with him declaring that he's going to go to california and me giving him a bunch of tools that i talk about in this book and the point of the story is does he move or not i don't know the point of the story is it's so easy to see what somebody else should do it's so easy to cheer for somebody else we all do that right we cheer for our favorite sports teams we follow our favorite influencers and authors we plan birthday parties for our friends we take on extra work from our colleagues we support everyone around us we do not know how to do it for ourselves you must visualize the steps that lead you to the thing that you want not the end goal this is a major mistake that people make they manifest improperly because all they do is focus on the end goal if you've ever made a vision board think about what you put on the vision board you put up just the beach house or the million dollars in the bank are you crossing the finish line are you launching that business or you having the body that you want are you a driving the maserati whatever it is the end goal is what you put up on a vision board that is not what you're going to do when you manifest if you start focusing on crossing the finish line of the marathon that is a one-way ticket to being unmotivated and completely discouraged in fact research shows that if all you do is focus on the thing that you want and you just focus on that vision of you and your bikini body or you with the love of your life on your arms or you at the oscars winning that award or the grammys what happens is because you've only focused on the end goal you start to feel really unmotivated and discouraged because you're nowhere near it that's where manifesting comes in because we're not going to focus on the end goal you got to pick something that you want in order to get started but manifesting isn't about the end it's about the bridge it's about going from where you are here to where you want to go imagine that there is a bridge that connects where you are right here with what you dream about doing now that dream could be to be a grammy award-winning singer-songwriter that dream might be to have a family of your own that dream might be to have a beach house or a ski house or to take a trip to fiji that dream can be whatever the hell you want it to be but when it comes to manifesting once you've given yourself permission to dream with the lid off and really want what you want to feel the pull of that thing now we got to talk about the path that connects where you are with where you want to go and this is all about visualizing the little steps there's a lot of research that proves why visualizing the steps is the most important thing that you could do there was a study done at ucla for example where they were researching manifestation and the power of visualization and they broke students into two groups and they had group a we're going to call these the vision board group they had group a close their eyes visualize in their mind and feel in their body themselves taking the test and then walking up to a board where the tests scores were posted and finding their name and seeing an a plus that's what group a the vision board group were told to do to visualize themselves achieving what they wanted group b we're going to call these the hard workers these students were coached in this research project to close their eyes and to visualize going back to their dorm room sitting down at the desk and studying and staying up late and putting in the work studying and preparing for the tests now let me ask you a question which group do you think did better on the actual test was it group a the vision board group who were taught to visualize and picture themselves walking up to a board and seeing the a plus or was it group b the hard work group the group that was taught to close their eyes and visualize and seeing themselves doing the work to study for the test well if you answered group a you're wrong if you answered group b you got the correct answer the reason why group b the students who visualize studying for the test got better test scores is because when you visualize yourself doing the work visualizing it leads you to doing the work and it's only through actions that you will get the result that you want preparing your mind and visualizing yourself doing it lowers your resistance and leads to you taking the action that's why manifesting works you know the same is true in sports there's all kinds of research in sports psychology in fact our olympic athletes for the u.s olympic team they hire sports psychologists to train our top olympic athletes particularly after they've been injured in visualizing themselves competing when you coach an athlete to mentally rehearse every single detail about going through the competition you are training the mind body and spirit to show up and dominate this is particularly true for athletes after they've been injured and they're stepping back into competition if you've been injured in competition you're naturally going to feel anxious you're naturally going to be nervous your brain and nervous system circuitry is now programmed with the intensity from that injury the memory from the injury so of course it's natural to bring that in to your pre-competition feelings about it right so manifestation properly remember what it is manifesting is preparing your mind body and spirit to do the work it's aligning your mind body and spirit with what you want it removes the obstacles that would normally stop you which then prepares and motivates you to take the actions to succeed so in the case of athletes who visualize themselves and see themselves doing all the steps over and over they're removing the nerves they're removing all the programming related to the injury they are preparing their mind body and spirit to go in and frickin dominate and so are you you know when you're about to meet a friend somebody you really like at a cafe you're gonna go have a cup of tea what do you feel right before you walk in the door excitement enthusiasm energy joy uh positive nervousness like that that that kind of like uh butterflies even in a positive sense yeah so at this moment i was 51 years old in 51 years of being alive i don't ever remember feeling that feeling about seeing myself wow for the first time in my life i had this sensation that i was excited to see the human being mel robbins now i've been excited to see an outfit or excited to see a haircut i have never been excited to see the person and so i round the corner and this sense of how profound this is is hitting me and i'm standing there brushing my teeth and i realize something really wild there are always two of you in the bathroom together there's you and there is a human being in the mirror a person who needs you a person who has been waiting for you to wake up and realize they are there and they need you to see them and to hear them and to love them and to support them and so what's interesting because you brought up morning routines right is that we all talk about the importance of setting our day up because it's how it ends up we talk about gratitude and meditation and we know the extraordinary benefits of it but i don't think anybody has truly amplified the fact that there is this dirty habit that we all have every single morning that is a part of your morning routine unless you have weeded this out and it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating the heck out of yourself every single morning in the mirror i mean 91 percent of women don't like how they look 50 of us can't even look at ourselves in the mirror one of the things that i think you should always come back to first is take a look at how you set your day up because how you set it up is how it ends up how do i set my day up so that i'm practicing what i call simple discipline simple discipline is nothing more than making and keeping simple promises to yourself repeating it every day the way that you start to change the big things is you change the small things make tiny teeny teeny promises to yourself and then keep them so how do you build simple discipline here are some core skills that i do every morning that have helped me number one i do not sleep with the phone number two when the alarm goes off on my phone it's not near me so i have to get my ass out of bed i get up i make my bed i get moving i get my exercise clothes on i move my body i then journal i take 10 minutes to myself to plan my day when i do that my day is incredible i believe that how you start your day dictates how the day goes you should not just adopt somebody else's morning routine and expect it to work for you you need to customize this you are unique i think about how do you come alive for yourself in the morning what are the five senses what's the first thing that you see when you wake up for me it's a painting that i manifested out of thin air it reminds me that what you put your mind to and what you work toward it will become a reality i always light incense because it makes my senses and my nose come alive i'm super mindful over what i taste first thing in the morning my grandma always had vinegar in the morning with honey and hot water i picked the one thing that matters to me today you're a big proponent of the growth mindset you guys talk about it all the time on the show right so researchers wanted to know what is the most empowering way to motivate kids through a really big challenge okay they divide the kids into three groups this takes the marshmallow test to a whole other level you got one group of kids that are doing a challenging task and they're getting the fixed mindset praise which we all know does not work oh tom you're so smart oh tom i love your glasses that's going to help you oh tom you got a great smile oh tom you know i i just love so much about you i know you can do this so that's one group the second group gets the growth mindset kind of phrase tom you are such a hard worker tom your perseverance is unbelievable tom you just keep going that does better obviously than telling you that you're smart because it makes you motivated to work hard the third group they just got a simple high five the researchers didn't even say anything to the kids they just walked up gave them a high five the group of kids that got a simple high five outperformed outworked through all of the challenges all of the other forms of praise why because a high five is something deeper than praise it fulfills your most fundamental needs as a human being when somebody high-fives you you feel seen you feel heard and you feel like somebody has acknowledged you for the unique person that you are and one of the things that will help you to do the work to create the things that you want in your life is it will help you if you train your mind to start spotting evidence as you're doing the work as you're going through your day it will help you if you train your mind to start scanning the world and spotting evidence that yes indeed the world is sending you positive signals that things are going to work out now why is it important to train your mind to help you get what you want well the reason why is because if you get into a negative mindset if you start thinking this business is never going to work why even bother i'm never going to meet anybody it's nothing but losers out there look at all these idiots on hinge why the hell should i keep doing this if you allow your mind to start to rest in a pessimistic negative protective scared and doubtful stance your mind will continue to show you reasons why there's nobody on hinge worth talking to your mind will continue to show you all the reasons why you will never make it in business your mind will continue to show you all the reasons why you're never going to lose that weight and be able to tuck in your shirt as my friend corinne crabtree always talks about that transformational moment and when your mind goes negative your mind starts to scan the world and will show you more reasons to stop and the power of training your mind to spot positive signs is very simple the power is that your mind will start to show you reasons to keep going your mind will help you take the step your mind will encourage you to feel optimistic to feel empowered just like you woke up today on a tuesday and it was february 22nd 2022 and those numbers are lining up and that makes you in your heart and soul go whoa something cool could happen today like that only happens like once in my lifetime those numbers are going to line up like that today is a really cool day let's go do something with this you could create that kind of attitude every single freaking day of your life you could if you train your mind and if you start taking action and training your mind is the key piece that we're going to talk about so for those of you that have read the high five habit one of the things that i talk about a lot is every single day find a naturally occurring heart-shaped object in the world it could be a stone it could be a leaf it could be a cloud it could be a shape in your coffee hey chris if we've got anything around here that looks like a heart hand it to me and the reason why i love telling you to start playing a game with yourself where you start your day going mind brain show me some heart oh what is this come here dog treat oh my god it's a dog treat look at this guys what shape is that that right there is a heartbeat there we go check that out if you say brain mind show me a heart today guess what's gonna happen that damn dog biscuit it's gonna show it's gonna you're gonna be like there's a heart you're gonna look out at the sky and you're gonna see a heart shape oh right there in the mountains there's a heart shape in the mountains in southern vermont you're going to see it in the clouds what you're doing when you tell your mind what's important to you is you're telling your mind and the filter in your brain to change in real time and allow into your consciousness what's important to you and if you want to see hearts by god those damn dog treats are going to start looking like hearts everybody that's how you train your mind it's freaking incredible and if you want to see evidence of this follow me on social media if you follow me mel robbins on social media you will see every day i am reposting your stories of finding heart shapes around the world now why is this important well it's important because it's a simple way to prove to you that your mind changes in real time that if you get serious about becoming more positive and optimistic and encouraging of yourself if you get serious about saying this i don't wanna see all the reasons why i'm unhappy i don't wanna see uh everybody else in the world that's launched a business or that's lost weight and is healthy or that has a really good uh marriage or relationship and i don't want to see that and and and have my mind process it as evidence that it's never going to happen for me i want my mind to reprogram itself and see other people's businesses and see other people getting healthy and see other people in relationships and i want my mind to say yeah if they can do it i can do it that's evidence if that person can get healthy so can i if that person can find somebody on hinge so can i if that person can reconcile with their child so can i other people can become evidence that you can have it too right now your mind is so [ __ ] up from your past that when you see what other people have and you don't have it you can't actually translate it through a negative mind and and see that that's evidence that you're gonna win you see it like oh somebody already stole what i wanted that sucks and so what i want to start to open your mind to is that you have the power to train your mind to filter the world differently just like you woke up and you saw the date today 2 22 22 and your brain saw that was like whoa this is a once in a lifetime day everybody you are never going to have another day that lines up like this ever what are you going to do with this day your mind already interpreted this as wow something cool could happen and if you tell yourself something amazing is going to happen today something will because you're going to be looking for it i swear to god something will something will if you want to see the good all around you you got to tell your mind you want to see the good and this just isn't a bunch of horse everybody this isn't toxic positivity there is a filter in your brain called the reticular activating system the reticular activating system i call it the ras i like to think about it like a giant hair net on your head and this ras sits over your brain i'm probably getting this wrong i'm not a neuroscientist i could give about getting it right i just need you to know the basics here so that you can apply it to your life okay you don't need a phd to use the science that super smart people have been working really hard on in order to apply it to your life that's what i'm here for in your life i'm here to translate this stuff into simple believable and actionable things that you can do to take all this super cool stuff that people are researching and apply it to your normal person's everyday life to help you change from the inside out and one of the coolest things that you have at your disposal is you have a whole system in your body that you can train and change and one of those things that you can train and change that is impacted by that real that word you're hearing a lot of neuroplasticity that just means that things are able to twist and bend and change and you're able to learn new things for as long as you're alive as long as you're breathing everybody you got a chance to change the way that you think as long as you are breathing you got a chance to change from the inside out how you experience your life as long as you are still here watching me people you got a chance to create a new experience in your life and one of the things that helps a lot is understanding that right now all of the bull from your past has jammed the filter in your mind body and spirit the reticular activating system and it is clouding your ability to look at the world around you and see hearts remember this dog treat hearts look at that there's a heart right there i had completely forgotten about the audiobook because i was so focused on this new york times things and by the way here's another thing you can't make the new york times list if you're a self-published author something i didn't even know when i started so here i thought i'd fail didn't achieve my dream the whole thing i get this email your monthly report is ready and i'm like monthly report what are they talking about i click on that report i open it up i am literally like oh my god audiobooks audiobooks who knew audiobooks were a thing here's what happened the entire time that i kept going something amazing was happening lisa they were going to the hardcover but it wasn't available they bought the only thing that was available the audiobook the five-second rule became the number one audiobook of the year lisa it to this day is the most successful self-published audio book in the history of audible and it created a brand new partnership that i have with audible something by the way that i never would have had happen had my hardcover campaign be successful and here's the other thing i have never achieved my goal of being a new york times assigned author and i might never achieve it i've never made a traditional bestseller list and it proves something that i believe very deeply and that is that your dreams and the things that you put on your vision board have a very important purpose they pull you through your fears they inspire you to take action but they are not necessarily meant to be achieved i believe when you pursue your dreams and you keep going and you keep telling yourself that if i work hard something amazing is going to happen you'll achieve something better something that you don't even know or can even think about right now because it's not even on your radar screen those dreams are dots on the map of your life that pull you in a direction you're meant to go but you might never end up there because you're meant to end up somewhere else i actually have an incredible quote of yours about dreams you say when it comes to your dreams you have two choices pursue them or be haunted by them it's true you can't forget a dream you can something that you want in your life once you really want it there are four techniques that i use whenever i'm gonna have a difficult conversation that help me stay focused on what i need to talk about instead of getting hijacked by my emotions number one i always start the conversation by acknowledging my responsibility in the mess that we have to talk about whether it's the fact that i've avoided dealing with this sooner or whether there's something that i've done that's contributed to the situation i acknowledge it right up front and one of the reasons why that's so important is because by accepting some responsibility you're diffusing the other person's emotion you're also honoring them a little bit and it sets a much more level playing field for when you get into the difficult things that you need to talk about it's also going to put the person that you're speaking to a little at ease so they're going to be able to listen number two you want to have a goal never go into a difficult conversation without an outcome defined before you go into it the reason why the outcome is so important is because this conversation is going to be a roller coaster the person that you're talking to might get upset you yourself might feel emotional at some point whether you're angry or you're triggered or you get sad and so when you ride the roller coaster of emotion the thing that is going to stabilize your thoughts is the outcome that you're causing you're having this conversation because you're committed to making the relationship better you're having this conversation because this isn't working and so we need to end it powerfully you're having this conversation because you want to give somebody some feedback that's not so fun to tell them but you're giving it to them because you're committed to their success okay so that goal you feel yourself getting emotional you come back to it you come back to it you come back to it third thing you're going to do a lot in this conversation you're going to listen and you're going to validate so you're going to say what you need to say and then the other person's going to react and instead of arguing or debating i want you to listen and i want you to validate what the person is saying may sound counterintuitive but honestly one of the most powerful things you can do in any conversation whether you're fighting with your kids over curfew or you're arguing with somebody at work over workloads whatever it may be is here where the person's at the moment you say wow that must be really tough what you're dealing with or oh i totally get why you now were avoiding me if i felt the way that you felt i'd probably do the same thing the second you validate somebody they immediately stop defending themselves it's unbelievable actually unbelievable you've got to try it validate validate validate it is the most powerful thing and then once of course they feel validated that you've heard them now they can listen and that's when you come back to the final thing which is you're going to restate always the outcome keep coming back to it keep coming back to it and yeah it's not going to be fun it's not going to be easy you're going to have all kinds of emotions come up because you've been avoiding this conversation but i'm telling you right now if you find the confidence and the courage to go and to start this thing knowledge your responsibility have an outcome in mind validate the other person validate validate validate and keep talking until you hit that outcome you're going to be really really amazed at how much easier these things become and if you want to make it even easier on yourself rehearse it with another friend first somebody that's not involved in the situation because again difficult conversations comes down to one important thing the ability for you to separate your emotion about doing it from the things you actually need to talk about and the outcome that you want to cause if you can't stand in front of the mirror and raise your hand and high-five yourself just because you got your ass out of bed and you're breathing you will never get what you want in life ever there is something in the resistance to it and if you unpack the resistance you will find the reason why you don't have what you want you either think you're not worthy of it or you think that it's kind of stupid or you have been brought up to believe that for women in particular you're going to be [ __ ] or selfish or not likable if you're celebrating yourself there is something in the resistance to you simply cheering for yourself one of the biggest objections that people had to standing in front of the mirror take a moment look at yourself and then raise your hand as people said over and over and over again i haven't done anything worthy of high-fiving high-fiving feels like a celebration i don't have the number on the scale that i want i don't like my bank account i don't enjoy what i do for a living i've made a load of mistakes i'm struggling with trauma i don't have anything to celebrate and what i realized is people are making a fundamental mistake you are withholding the very support empowerment and celebration that you need to change and to do the hard work and to face the things that you're scared of and that's why you're not changing when i think back three years ago where i was like saw one of your videos or gary's videos or somebody i'm like oh i just need to start filming the book lines at these and it was a it was a moment it was this little amount of wisdom inside of me that i listened to and i am telling you that is the power you got to tune out the noise and you got to learn how to make what i call a quiet decision yeah quiet decision where you shh you hear what your heart is is urging you to do let's start with a metaphor i want you to think about your life like a book a book is divided into chapters some chapters are boring and a grind to get through and others are exciting and you hope they never end and right now you're in a chapter [Music] maybe this chapter of your life is a grind it's overwhelming and unsatisfying and you feel stuck reading it over and over again maybe you want to start a new chapter but you don't know what the next chapter is about and so you keep rereading the one you're currently in here's the greatest thing about life you don't have to know where this next chapter is going you just have to start writing it i want you to envision a blank page what do you want to write what do you see for yourself i don't want you to try to figure out what job or business you should write on that page what belongs on that page are the dreams that you have for yourself and your life and all that's required to start writing is to start saying yes instead of telling yourself no yes you should start that podcast yes you should go back to school yes you should try to launch that business whatever it is that you've been doing whether you're three years out of college and it's a job you can't stand from a major you hate or it's a 20-year career that you're just burnt out on or maybe you stepped away from the workforce to raise your kids or perhaps like so many people right now you've been laid off this is the moment to write your next chapter you're not too late [Music] you're right on time all you need is a blank page and a pen do tiny things every day that boost your mood okay so we're gonna build your mood muscle if you can move your body because negativity gets stored here and moving your body we know based on the research simply moving your body for 10 or 20 minutes a day will release chemicals in your mind that help you boost your mood the second thing that will boost your mood is i want you to make a tiny promise to yourself every day just one thing that makes you feel more positive is it getting up on time is it eating something healthy is it only having one glass of wine or reaching for a mocktail i want you to put one tiny promise into place put it into the um comments right now what's one tiny promise that you can make to yourself that you're going to do every day it might just be that you're going to wake up every day take a deep breath remind yourself that you're healthy and that's going to be the tiny promise i want you to do one tiny promise every day because keeping a promise to yourself will boost your mood and make you feel more in control another way to build your mood muscle is have a zero tolerance policy for your own negative thoughts right now as you edit social media and edit your news take and edit your negativity coming in from the outside world do not tolerate negativity from the inside world i woke up this morning i looked in the mirror i looked at the gray hairs that are coming in particularly like right up here and i started to go negative i started to feel dreary and i went mel cut this [ __ ] out you gotta fight to stay positive gal because we are in this for another couple months and do not succumb to despair do not start thinking native stuff when you have negativity internally you got to have a zero tolerance policy for that it's one thing to feel what you need to feel so that you can move through it it's another thing to let negativity dwell up here and start ruminating fi the five second rule is genius for this count backwards the second negative five four three two one not listening to it no i am redirecting my thoughts that's right i am looking for the things i can control i am keeping a positive attitude by focusing on things that i can control right now today and if you want more fire and espresso videos check out the one that we recently did the link is right there next to me i think