What are You Missing? Dealing with Disappointed Expectations and Resistance at Work (and at Home).

Key Takeaways

[Music] so you're a leader or a manager or a supervisor and your job is to influence people to do good work to be good and to do good if you're at all like me you've noticed that people don't always do what you expect sometimes they don't even do what they said they would do sometimes they don't even do what they expected they would do and sometimes they're a little bit subtle about it sometimes they're absolutely overt it's just you and I here you're probably not watching this YouTube Hilt Academy video in a crowd you're probably alone taking a break from the flow of life for just a moment so it's just you and me and we can admit to each other that your missed expectations your dis disappointed expectations can kind of Mount up and become very frustrating right well how do you keep from letting those little disappointments pile up how do you keep from picking up a little rock of disappointment and frustration and putting it in the backpack of your work life one at a time those little rocks will pile up and the weight gets heavier you know what I'm talking about right well well here's what I've learned it's kind of like those Insurance ads I've learned a few things because I've seen a few things first did you communicate your expectations we have a a dear friend named Lori and Lori you might even be watching this or listening to it who whenever people make statements that are kind of like that oh yeah I did a great job or I communicated my expectations or whatever she will follow with really did you really could hear her voice right here so so first of all did you communicate your expectations and listen to Lori really did you really were your expectations so clear that they could be repeated back to you did you say and maybe in some cases even right I expect a so that b a is the work or the task and then B is the result or the outcome okay second thing I've learned did you ask if the expectation was realis IC I expect a so that b and then is that realistic can I negotiate it's appropriate to ask that especially if it's not been done before and especially if it's not been done by that person before and also especially if things have changed like maybe workload has increased or or maybe maybe the workload has gotten more complex that has nothing to do with this the rest of the workload maybe Staffing is different maybe there's changes in processes I don't know but it's appropriate for you to ask if things are different whether or not this is realistic okay so you did do that you did you did clarify what your expectations were good for you so here's the good stuff when you notice your frustration when you encounter the disappointment of missed expectations recognize it for what it is it's resistance if somebody says yes but they do no it's because they're resisting here's the kicker resistance just like conflict isn't bad in and of itself it's just resistance so whenever you encounter frustration disappointment small conflicts little bumps in the road recognize that that is resistance pause and ask what am I missing not am I missing something but what am I missing don't just ask yourself ask the person who is engaged in the disappointed expectation what am I missing and when you do that watch your tone watch the little bit of an attitude it's possible that you've been disappointed for a little bit of time and so you're starting to pet the fur off of that disappointment and there might be a little bit of emotional Distortion that's going on behind it so watch watch your tone watch your attitude get genuinely curious and ask okay here's the behavior you didn't do this or you did do that and that was not the expectation what am I missing that behavior or that lack of behavior is occurring in many cases because you are missing something and here's the kicker you don't know what it is you probably can't even guess what it is you're missing it so ask with genuine respectful curiosity okay what am I missing you said that you you would get that work finished by Thursday at noon and now it's Friday and the work's not finished what am I missing you said that you'd make that decision by last week and Monday at noon and you haven't what am I missing you said you'd attend a meeting and be prepared and you didn't attend and you weren't prepared what am I missing you said you'd finish a project you said you'd make a plan you'd said you'd do the work but it doesn't look like it's been done so what am I missing strip out the frustration strip out the emotion and get genuinely curious what am I missing now again it's just you and I here so get ready if you're genuinely respectful and genuinely curious they will probably tell you what you're missing and you'll be surprised of course you'll be surprised you missed it be really really careful you asked so don't get defensive just deal with it and move on what am I missing here's to you have a great day [Applause] [Music]