How to Set Boundaries

hello and welcome to today's lesson where we're looking at a step-by-step process for setting and enforcing boundaries have you ever said yes to something you did not want to do maybe you did so because you wanted people to see you as a highly motivated team player perhaps you simply didn't want to let people down maybe you find it hard to say no perhaps you said yes to avoid feeling guilty if any of these sound like you then you are not alone many people fail to set and maintain appropriate boundaries leading to problems including low self-esteem and feeling overwhelmed there is a poem by robert frost called mending wall and there's a line in the poem that says good fences make good neighbors let's think for a minute about what this means imagine both you and your neighbor have large gardens that border each other but you don't have anything showing the boundary between your two gardens this could lead to all sorts of problems you might feel taken advantage of if you saw your neighbour digging a flower bed in what you think is your garden likewise they might be offended if you suddenly appeared from your house shouting at them for digging in your garden when they assumed it was theirs it's not difficult to see how your neighborly relationship could break down quickly in such a scenario however with the simple addition of a boundary fence you can avoid these issues altogether the fence shows you where you can and cannot go and does the same for your neighbor because you're no longer unsure about who owns what it's much easier to have good relations with your neighbor personal boundaries are the rules and limits we set around what we will or will not tolerate from those around us however unlike offense others cannot see your boundaries so we have to take steps to make sure our boundaries are visible to others setting boundaries in the workplace is a form of personal leadership and comes with many benefits including increasing your self-esteem and helping you feel more authentic boosting your confidence creating strong relationships based on mutual trust and respect with your boss and co-workers avoiding burnout and creating an improved sense of your identity combined these factors can lead to a happier and more successful career let's take a look at a simple four-step process you can use to set boundaries and obtain these benefits although this video is from the perspective of setting boundaries at work you can just as easily use these steps to set personal boundaries so step one is to determine your boundaries most people rarely give any thought to their boundaries and because they haven't clearly defined and articulated them other people will cross their ill-defined boundaries and they'll get hurt now in this step you brainstorm your boundaries and develop strategies to enforce those boundaries in completing this step you may find that you have lots of boundaries or you may find you have just one it doesn't matter how many you find the point is your boundaries should be important to you and personal to you try to write your boundaries so that you're not just saying no but but you're offering an alternative so for example instead of saying i don't work weekends you could say i can't come into the office this weekend but i'd be happy to arrive early on monday by offering an alternative in this way you'll find it easier to articulate your boundaries and invite compromise so before we move on to step two note that there are different types of boundaries and knowing them can make it easier for you to brainstorm your boundaries so first we have physical and these concern your personal space so for example a boundary might be i'm exhausted now i'm going to go home in 30 minutes so that i can recharge for tomorrow next we have time and these concern protecting your valuable time for example i can't come into the office this weekend but i'd be happy to arrive early on monday next we have priority and workload and these ensure you don't take on more than you can handle so another example yes i can do this job for you unfortunately my plate is pretty full right now what would you like me to drop finally we have emotional boundaries and these protect your feelings and thoughts so for example i may disagree with you about a particular topic but it doesn't mean i'm bad at my job now there are loads more examples of each type of boundary in the article that accompanies this video so take a look below this video to see those if you need them so once you've written down your boundaries you're now ready to move on to step two communicate and here you need to express your boundaries so that other people understand them and know where your red lines are if you don't tell people your boundaries then people won't know this isn't always going to be easy and sometimes it will be uncomfortable to share a boundary but you have to do it even if you're worried the other person might take offense or get angry this is really important because most of the time we avoid doing this because we're too worried about what others might think we're too concerned about creating an awkward or uncomfortable moment or situation but if you're not expressing your boundaries then you're not being honest you're not being truthful and you're not being authentic if you don't speak your boundaries other people will cross them and ultimately it will be you who loses out the third step is to compromise you've explained your needs and they've presented theirs now it's time to reach a compromise at the end of this compromise you should end up in a place where both of you are happy if not then at a minimum you can reach a place where you respect each other's decision and if this is the outcome then at least you've kept hold of your authenticity and well-being but the truth is most of the time you will reach a compromise because most people are understanding and respectful when you clearly communicate your boundaries the final step is to refine over time so you should occasionally refine your boundaries as you identify new ones and realize that all ones are no longer serving you it's also important to remember to be flexible sometimes you may wish to make an exception to one of your boundaries so for example suppose one of your boundaries is never to work weekends but when your boss asks because you can see the business critical reason they asked you you agree you might say something like as you know i don't work weekends as it's my time to prioritize my family however this weekend i will make a one-off exception since it's so important in this way although you're crossing your boundary you are restating it so it's clear to your boss that you won't be crossing this boundary again now finally before we wrap up if you're having difficulty with a co-worker trying to cross your boundaries consider setting up a meeting with them and going through the coin feedback model to get things back on the right track you'll see a link to a video i've already created about this model in the top corner of this video so in summary work will expand to fill any time you have available for it and if you're not looking after yourself no one else will do it for you learning how to set boundaries allows you to prioritize your well-being avoid burnout and be more productive over the long run so that's it for this video i really hope you enjoyed it and i look forward to speaking to you again soon